


The New Trailer

by ZombieCatTookMyPudding



Category: Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Genre: Dark Humor, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death?, Just needed to get this off my chest, Meta, Metafiction, One Shot, Parody, Reaction, i'm not sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-10 06:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19900969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieCatTookMyPudding/pseuds/ZombieCatTookMyPudding
Summary: After twenty-one years, another movie is being made about the Jellicle Tribe. Everyone, even its former members gather to watch its preview, but no one, perhaps not even Everlasting Cat himself, could prepare them for what they were about to see...(meta one-shot.)





	The New Trailer

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own CATS, any characters from it, or any version of it. All rights go to their respective owners.  
> ALTERNATE TITLE: "I Watched the CATS 2019 Trailer So You Don't Have To!"  
> Yes, I do have requests and other fanfics I'm supposed to be working on. Yes, I'm procrastinating. Yes, this basically breaks the timeline of my usual CATS timeline, if not the timelines everywhere else, including canon. No, I didn't plan this or think this through very well; I just needed to write it.

In the abandoned office on the upper floor of the warehouse, a chaotically-coloured tom focused intensely on the paperwork beneath him, curling his relatively human paw around the pen to carefully form each written letter. Only a knock on the door made him look up.

"Enter," he said quickly.

An old tabby tom poked his head in. "Macavity, my boy! Did you hear? They're making a movie about us!"

"Gus, that was twenty-one years ago."

"No, another one! A new one! And they're going to premiere its trailer in the Yard tonight!"

Macavity raised an eyebrow. "And you're informing me of this, why?"

"We just thought you'd like to come and see it, too!"

"'We'?"

"Yes, 'we'! For tonight only, Old Deuteronomy is allowing former Jellicles in the Yard, without any attack or hostility, to come and watch the trailer, too! Besides, I'd suppose you'd like a break from...whatever it is you're doing."

Setting the pen down and rubbing his sore paw, Macavity had to admit his uncle was right. "Give me a moment to gather whom I need to."

"Excellent! I'll be waiting outside."

* * *

Leaving along with Griddlebone and Grizabella, the three followed Gus back to the Yard. Soon to meet them at the front entrance was the feared Captain Growltiger (who aggressively flirted with his ex-mate, only for the Persian mix to slap him) Siamese of London leader, Genghis Claw, his son, Gilbert, and Munkustrap, second-in-command to his father, and heir to the throne.

"Is that everyone?" Munkustrap asked Gus.

"I believe so. Will you let us go?"

"Just a moment;" his already serious face hardened even more to address the Outsiders. "If any of you cause a sliver of trouble, you're _done_ ," he growled. "Understood?"

He had gotten in return different levels of agreement, and lead them all to the center.

"Everlasting, Everlasting, Everlasting!" a white, gold, and grey queen-kitten squealed.

"Etcetera! Watch your language!" her mother scolded. "I had been hoping I wouldn't have to wash your mouth out with soap."

"Sorry, Mum, just excited is all. They're making a movie about _us!_ And our Ball!"

"Another one, you mean," her sister, Electra corrected, to which Etcetera nodded eagerly while their father sat behind them.

On one of the higher ledges of the crowd, two Siamese mix twins sat. The male of the two noticed his sister looking rather ill.

"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned.

"I sense great chaos that will occur soon, not too long."

"Then at least we will know it is coming," he assured her, resting his head on top of hers. "We'll be ready when it's incoming."

"I'll bet I'm the first one to show," a golden, lion-like tom sat up proudly.

"I think rumor had it that Victoria was supposed to be the main character," his mate, a red queen, corrected as she tried to settle their three kittens down.

"That'd be a waste, I _am_ the best, as everyone knows."

"Yeah, me too!" his lookalike dreadlocked son chimed. "Should be true, since I'm a smaller version of you!"

The older of the two scoffed. "Kid, they only had you on the show for a year. Hardly anyone knows who you are; having you in the movie would be bizzare."

The kitten's blue eyes watered before he began to cry, making his mother glare at him.

"The truth hurts, but it's there, dears," he sneered unapologetically.

A golden tabby stumbled over the pile towards a bright, plump tabby queen. "I'm here!" he panted, looking around. "Am I late? Did I miss anything?"

"Not at all, you're right on time, Skimble, as always. But even if you were a bit late, I don't think it'd be a crime."

"Thirsty," a dark, sleek queen informed her sister. "Did you bring any water?"

"Damn it, Exotica, I told you not to get high before we arrived!"

"Sorry. Helps with social anxiety."

"ALONZO!" the lighter queen boomed at the top of her lungs.

Here came her henpecked lover now, a tired black and white tom, struggling to keep a smile on his face as he dropped three dead mice in their general direction.

"It's all right, Cassandra, I'm back, and I got the snacks."

"Not that; Exotica needs water. Go on, get! Hurry now, or you'll miss it."

"...Of course, dear."

Close by, a remarkably fat tuxedo tom checked his schedule book. "Hopefully this doesn't take too much out of my schedule..."

"Dad!"

Macavity turned his head to two young toms waving at him.

"Come on over, Dad! We've saved you a spot," a brown-and-white one patted the space between him and his brother.

A small smile pulled slightly on the corner of Macavity's lip, and he took a step forward, but quickly vanished as he noticed a dark calico queen sitting a few tail lengths from them: his ex-mate, Demeter, also the two toms' mother. The two of them held a long awkward stare before Demeter moved closer to Munkustrap, and her other two sons with him, not once removing her brown eyes from him. Squinting, she gave an "I'm-watching-you" gesture before Macavity felt comfortable enough to approach them.

"ATTENTION! ATTENTION, EVERYONE!" the sound of the largest tom's voice overpowered everyone else's chatter in the Yard, immediately commanding the attention from all who sat beneath him. "Thank you all for gathering here, tonight. That includes you, our left brothers and sisters, perhaps for this moment, we may set aside our spite. Thanks to Admetus and Plato, we have a working projector and screen, if you would look behind me."

On his cue, Admetus lowered the sheet that would form a makeshift screen for the projector.

"Now then, without further ado, let's be smart and start!"

The cats quieted down as Deuteronomy took the front row next to Munkustrap, and Plato used his own magic to lower the surrounding lights in the Yard and begin the tape.

"It's starting! It's beginning! What a win!" a young queen's voice rose as the projector started.

"Shush!" the tom sitting next to her scolded.

"You shush!"

"No, _you_ shush!"

"You _both_ shush!" a sparkly black tom snapped his paw-fingers, and the two calicos found themselves silence.

"Nice," his brother, a tuxedo tom chuckled.

_First on the screen were silhouettes of cats crawling around a dimly lit alleyway, as a short instrumental to Invitation to the Jellicle Ball played in the background._

_The trailer hadn't even been playing for ten seconds when what looked to be a white humanoid-like CGI cat turned and faced the camera._

Victoria's ears perked. She wasn't quite sure what to think about that. Obviously, that was her, but why did she look so...strange?

_"Memory..." a female voice sang._

_'ONE NIGHT' orange words against a mostly-black screen read_.

_The screen cut to the white cat appearing again, being led by another humanoid-like cat (what was supposed to be the stage version of Mr. Mistoffelees, everyone was sure) in a top hat towards a gate, where the "cats" on the other side straightened themselves, their body language hostile._

Some confused murmurs came from the group:

"Huh?"

"What?"

Munkustrap furrowed his brow. "That's insane. Since when do I wear gold chains?" he asked no one in particular.

_The screen cut again to Victoria walking on her hind legs through what was probably an alleyway, where one "cat" hid behind an object, then the screen cut. It may or may not have been the same one, but Victoria took the paw of another tom who pulled himself closer to her while the female voice sang "to the moonlight..."_

_'ONE CHANCE' the second set of orange words appeared against the screen again while the female voice sang,_ _"let your memory lead you..."_

"I don't think I like this..." Gilbert said as Victor put his tail around him, trying to comfort him.

_Very briefly, a screen showed a character sitting in the middle of a damp road. Next to it was a sign that read "milk bar"._

"'Milk bar?'" Tugger sneered.

"SHH!" Jemima scolded him.

_"I haven't seen you before, have I?" a fluffy orange queen said to Victoria._

Jennyanydots raised her eyebrows. "Goodness, what happened to my coat?"

"Actually, dear, I believe that's supposed to be me," Old Deuteronomy corrected, frowning in disapproval this movie decided to portray him as a queen.

_The screen cut to Victoria, with Mistoffelees, what was possibly Munkustrap (who would know? This one looked brown-ish (though perhaps that was just the lighting) and wore the usual spiked collar,) and a few other cats standing or sitting behind her._

_The orange queen smiled and turned around._

_Suddenly the screen cut to what looked to be the steps in front of a church where many cats were reaching for the door, and Victoria standing up to stand out._

Some of the cats groaned uncomfortably, others shifted in their seats, but most were becoming too uneasy to make any noise.

_The camera cut to what might have been a queen, disheveled and slightly hunched over._

"Is that...supposed to be _me_...?" Grizabella whispered, her voice tinged with horror.

_"Open up, enter in..."_

_Right as the voice sang, Victoria on the screen entered through a door. Even if this was supposed to be a cat, the cat still looked too big in comparison to the door._

_'FOR A NEW LIFE' the text read._

_"If you find, there,"_

_Victoria leaped and spun over a chair, continuing to do spins around the room as another cat was off to the side._

_Then Victoria was throwing feathers into the air and two more cats, one of which was probably Quaxo/Mistoffelees, joined her on the bed._

"What dread! I would _never_ do that to my owners bed!" Victoria protested as she watched her movie-self play in the feathers while wearing a pearl necklace that looked far too large for her.

_Movie Mistoffelees stood with his ears down, hat off, looking at Victoria._

Mistoffelees shuddered in disgust.

_"Then a new life..." the voice sang as Victoria looked out the window._

_The disheveled queen from earlier peer out, shortly before it cut to another one of Victoria's ballets in a graveyard._

"Yep, that's me." Grizabella was not amused in the slightest.

_The scene cut back to Victoria and Female Deuteronomy standing in the church-like building._

_"Come, we're about to begin," Female Deuteronomy said._

Bombalurina burst out laughing as something that looked like Tugger danced across a neon screen and shouted "MEEEEEEEOOOOOOOW!" while others were gathered at his feet.

Tugger glared at her.

"I'm sorry, but you look ridiculous!" Bombalurina sniffed and inhaled, trying to calm herself.

Soon cast names were being called: James Corden as Bustopher Jones (who promptly lead a dance while the main CATS theme started playing, called out "here we go!" and then tumbled face-first into a barrel) Judi Dench as Old Deuteronomy, (looking dramatically out one of the windows that looked like you couldn't look through it anyway), (looking dramatically out one of the windows that looked like you couldn't look through it anyway), Jason Derulo as Rum Tum Tugger (who poked his head through a different window, smiled cheekily at Victoria, and winked at her).

The groans grew louder, soon there were various growls of complaints from a couple of different corners.

"What is going _on_?!"

"WHAT _IS_ THIS?!"

"Mummy..." Carbucketty scooted closer to Demeter.

"Shh, it's okay."

They watched as more came up, Jennifer Hudson as Grizabella, Ian Mckellan as Gus the Theatre Cat, Taylor Swift as Bombalurina...

By the time it cut to Grizabella's big solo of _Memory_ , Grizabella stood in rage at the brown cat-like woman with some excuse for a gray coat over her shoulders.

"WHAT DID THEY _DO_ TO ME?!" she screamed, her blue eyes seething with rage. "THIS IS A MONSTROSITY!"

"Finally, we agree on something!" Bustopher Jones shouted.

"Whose idea _was_ this?!" Asparagus demanded.

Munkustrap turned and faced the crowd. "Everyone! Settle down!"

"EASY FOR _YOU_ TO SAY!" Cassandra yowled. "YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT THOSE _RIDICULOUS_ DANCE SCENES!"

"I know this looks completely mad, but, maybe it won't be that bad," Munkustrap suggested. "OW!" the tabby winced at the spot on his head where a can had been hurdled at. "ALL RIGHT, who's the cat who threw that?!"

"RIOT!" Gilbert called.

"HELL YEAH! RIIIOT!" Rumpus Cat shouted, clearly not being a good influence at the moment.

"NO! EVERYONE!" Munkustrap was growing nervous at the lack of order within the scrapyard. "DAD!"

 **"SILEEEENCE!"** Deuteronomy's eyes turned bright white as he tried to get the Tribe under his control, but found himself forced to duck as an object on fire was hurdled at him, and burned the old sheet screen down.

Within a matter of seconds, the entire tribe had descended into a mess of fire, destruction, and even the occasional explosion here and there. Toms were shouting, queens were crying, and kittens were screaming. Only two remained completely silent as the trailer concluded, completely inaudible through all of the madness. The first being George, naturally a shy and quiet tom who couldn't bring himself to participate, and the other being Macavity, observing the scene as it fell apart before him.

"This entire tribe has descended into chaos...and I didn't even have to do anything," he said to himself.

Looking up at Macavity while the older tom burst into laughter, George asked him, "it didn't scare you?"

Macavity only laughed harder as he threw his tail around the multi-coloured tom. "Oh, George..." the smile from his face faded into horror, "...I've never been more terrified of anything in my entire nine lives."

* * *

A few minutes later, Alonzo climbed over what was left of one of the piles.

"All right, Cassandra," he called with the water dish between his teeth. "I've got-" eyes wide, he dropped the bowl when he found no one was there. "...I...think it's safe to say 'shit went down'," he purred to himself, amused. His expression then turned to shock. "Wait a minute..." he growled. "THAT MEANS I MISSED IT!"

How little did he know how lucky he was. If you are like Alonzo, consider yourself blessed, too.

**Author's Note:**

> It's possible I'm judging it too soon, but if this movie is as bad as I think it is, and it becomes considered canon, I am so done with this musical. And this is coming from someone who has been a total _CATS_ fangirl for more than half her life! (Sigh.) Guess we'll find out in December.  
> As IceLunaWolf pointed out, Judi Dench plays Old Deuteronomy (yes, a female Old Deuteronomy), not Jennyanydots, who's played by Rebel Wilson, who looked SO much like a man in the trailer, even after I watched it a few times over! That bit's been fixed, the rest is the same.


End file.
